Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
