Soap is not a condiment
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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