I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
