We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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