So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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