What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Church boner. Awkwardddd
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
