Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize