The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
