OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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