Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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