my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
