Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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