This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
