his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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