That's intense
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
