Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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