I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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