Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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