Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
