Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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