i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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