I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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