You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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