if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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