never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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