i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
