Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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