Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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