Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
