I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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