My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
