don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
