btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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