I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
