it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
