In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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