i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
