Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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