I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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