Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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