it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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