Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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