I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
