she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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