I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
