My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
