FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
