My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
