Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
