I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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