That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
