i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
