FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
