be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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