If that was your dad, he is hot
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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