just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
